Category: Uncategorized

Checking your reflection in the mirror in a lift as soon as everyone has got out.

You’ve got about five seconds to gawp for food stuck between your front teeth before the doors open again.

A list of things you want to post to your blog but haven’t got round to doing

The ‘marital art’ of re-arranging the duvet by a series of undercover kicks and punches. Often used to move the buttoned bit to the bottom of the bed

Commonly ignored guidelines – such as the directions to leave a microwaved meal after cooking for two minutes ‘to stand’.

(cf: binutes)

The soothsaying appearance of Mini Coopers in a neighbourhood; the first sign of urban gentrification – precedes delicatessens, gastropubs and Starbucks by approximately 12 months

Being so bored on a delayed journey that you re-read the only newspaper you have, in the vain hope you’d missed something

That bit between Xmas and New Year when nothing happens

The expanding waistline that comes with heading towards 40

A film trailer that gives away too much of the plot

Continuing to wear unseasonal clothing in denial of winter’s arrival

The hackneyed bits of guff during on-hold messages that those listening don’t believe and those making it don’t think about

“All our call-handlers are very busy”, “we apologize for the delay” and “Your call is important to us”

The interminable sixty seconds of copyright at the start of a DVD that you can’t fast-forward through

Unexpectedly having to shake hands after a trip to the bathroom. You know they’re wet because you’ve washed them, but the other person can’t help suspecting that it’s wee

Giving your upmarket bar a downmarket name. eg, The Fulham Bar and Eating House

Eating house??

the first little metal fella in a new set of of staples, destined to be cast into the void after the ker-chunk “let’s staple-thin-air test” demonstrates that the machine still works after being refilled

The ignominy of taking four attempts to open a double door, e.g:

push left door (nope)
pull right door (nope)
push left door (nope)

finally… push right (and open)

the universal swishy hand signal in a restaurant that signals “the bill please”

The follow-up mail you send that this time really does include the attachment you promised in the original email

Withdrawal headaches from giving up coffee

The process of re-recording your voicemail greeting over and over again until it sounds right – though of course it never quite does